Onion headlines

In an impressive display of blind confidence, 27-year-old Frank Carlson is currently speaking at length about several subjects he knows absolutely nothing about, and is speaking at such a high volume that people around him are just sort of willing to go along with whatever he’s saying. Upon

EAGLE POINT, OR—Though local man Bret Kurtsin has had to overcome many personal obstacles since having his legs amputated seven years ago, it has been said that his greatest achievement may lie in what he has given to others: the inspiration not to lose any limbs of their own.

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone…